One-liners found in the bottom of a joke coffin

An old tattered, coffee-ringed notebook tumbled from behind my Readers’ Digest Atlas of the World when I was tidying. The Atlas is quite old and it doesn’t have Telford or Milton Keynes in it. The notebook was made when I toyed with stand-up for a few years back in 2006. Hard to believe now but I played (Christ, listen to me ‘played’ perhaps ‘quaked’ would be more accurate) venues in Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, Carlisle, Leicester and even…….Glasgow. Yes Glasgow. It was in a basement and the other guy had just got out of prison. You’ll see below was my Tim Vine stage where the pun was king. I did develop the odd anecdote but more of that later. First the one-liners. It seems a waste to leave them behind wedged behind that map of Prussia. 

I had an ex-girlfriend who suffered from paranoid delusions…..I was so worried I followed her everywhere just to check she was alright……….. 

My mate’s finally got planning permission for his new coffee shop….better latte than never I suppose……..

I’ve been having terrible trouble with insects in my garden….ripping up trees, throwing up and leaving fast food cartons everywhere…..anyone else hate stag beetles?

I have a phobia about people watching me gardening….I have to do it in privet 

I invited some hairdressers round for some grub in our garden…it got so busy we had to form a barber-queue

I’ve set up a new talent show for farmers…The X-Tractor

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About richlakin

I'm married with two young boys and living in Staffordshire. If I'm not working you can find me day dreaming or holding high-brow literature in front of my face. Or eating Arctic Roll.
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