Phoning in sick

It varies from company to company but some firms are expert at making you feel guilty about taking time off sick. If you’re sick, you’re sick and you should be resting and not spreading your germs, but a subtle form of psychological warfare takes place……I wrote the following short sketch a few years back…

Poor ted

Feeling a bit under the weather

SKETCH ONE: PHONE-SICK 

FX: Fingers on buttons/phone ringing

RECORDED VOICE

Hello. You’re through to Pickles & Hobbs. Please choose one of the following options: For sales enquiries press one, for product information press two, for a visit from an expert press three, to report sick – and you’d better have a pretty good reason – press four.

FX: Finger on button/electronic beep

RECORDED VOICE

You went and chose four; didn’t you? Before you report sick we’d like you to think about a few questions: Am I really ill enough to take a day off with a recession beginning to bite? What effect could this have on my promotion prospects? And what’s that bloke up to – the one who’s always toadying up to the boss – while you’re at home with a sniffle?

PAUSE

RECORDED VOICE

Still going sick? OK, on your pension be it. Now press one for coughs, two for tummies, three for sore throats, four for vomiting or five for got shit-faced last night and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed.

PAUSE

Nearly got you there.

FX: Electronic beep

RECORDED VOICE

Thank you. You pressed one for coughs. Now cough as loudly as you can. Come on, don’t hold back. 

CALLER

Cough.

RECORDED VOICE

Now again.

CALLER

Cough.

RECORDED VOICE

Good. We’ll be taking your average cough volume and phlegm quotient to see if you really are sick. PAUSE. Don’t feel guilty. Just because everyone else is having to pick up your workload. Don’t spare us a thought as you sip at your chicken soup. Hope the duvet is nice and snug.

THE END

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About richlakin

I write about things that interest me
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