What would happen if you set up a dating agency for prisoners? There probably already is one. Crime seems to fascinate people and some, like a moth round a lightbulb, find themselves drawn, both emotionally and sexually to the dark side…..
I wrote this sketch a few years back…
FX: Phone ringing
AGENCY: Hello, welcome to Porridge Partners. How can I help you?
CALLER: It’s a bit embarrassing really, I’m…
AGENCY: You’re looking for a relationship with one of our jailbird joeys – nothing wrong with that. Tell us a bit about yourself?
CALLER: My name’s Wendy, I’ve got low self-esteem and I work in a library. I regularly post badly-lit shots of my thighs on the internet. I’m currently working my way through our true crime section. I’m at N for Neilson – Donald and Dennis.
AGENCY: You sound ideal, Wendy. Have you had lots of unsuccessful relationships with men?
CALLER: Yes, I can’t seem to trust men. I don’t know where they are at night, see.
AGENCY: Well you won’t have that problem if you join Porridge Partners. All our members are safely tucked up under lock and key every night. Have you thought about marriage?
CALLER: It’s not something I want to rush into. It’s an important step and a huge commitment.
AGENCY: Shall we say a fortnight then?
CALLER: Ten days should be fine.
AGENCY: We offer a special wedding package. The best man’s a prison officer. The cake’s made by Rachman – a poisoner from D-Wing. Photography is provided by the Daily Mail and The Sun. And Hodges, who works in admin, will empty all the hole punches to provide confetti.
CALLER: OK, put me down for the wedding deal.
AGENCY: What kind of man are you after?
CALLER: How do you mean?
AGENCY: Medium security, low-risk or a lifer?
CALLER: Ooh, definitely a lifer. Like one of those death-row types in movies. He can speak Greek and Latin, quote from the Old Testament and do six hundred one-arm push-ups. And a bushy beard.
AGENCY: Fine, but that’s premium rate and we’ve only got a few left. Do you mind if he’s already married to another sad case – I mean other members?
AGENCY: Do you have any preferences for knives, firearms or blunt instruments?
CALLER: You haven’t got any stranglers?
AGENCY: Sorry, no. They’re in real demand.
CALLER: OK, knives, but only if it was slow. And you have crime scene snaps?
AGENCY: Welcome to Porridge Partners, Wendy. You’re now officially one of our jailbirds. If you hold on I’ll take your credit card details. I’ll also give you the times your house will be empty – sorry I mean the times you can visit your Porridge Partner. Oh, there’s one more question. Would you mind if a photograph of your naked buttocks was passed around 600 sex-starved prisoners?
CALLER: Mind? I’d like that written into my contract.