Old Duffers

Richard Bucket

Writing for Richard Bucket

Channel 4 ran a comp a while back to get people to continue scripts for a show called The Old Guys. I believe this is now on TV with Trigger of Only Fools and Horses and Richard Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances in the title roles.

This was an opportunity to good to miss – the chance to write for Hyacinth ‘Bouquet’ Bucket’s long-suffering fella. An excerpt follows, but sadly I’m still waiting for the call…….

The Old Guys

Scene 13 continued: Int. Roy and Tom’s flat. Eve. Day 21

Tom:     What are we tossing for?

Roy:     As the actress said to the bishop.

Tom:     You’re going to need that sense of humour, Roy. It’ll help you to deal with rejection.

Roy:     (beat) Hold on sunshine. I’m not the one shipping out here. Katia’s got the hots for me, my plates of meat are well and truly under her table and they’re not about to move.

Tom:     You’re immature, Roy. (beat) You never grew up did you? You were the last boy in 3C to get chest hair.

Roy:     (sulkily) Norman Franks was the last actually.

Tom:     (aside) Yeah, but he didn’t go in the showers with a towel round him.

Roy:     What was that?

Tom:     You’re just a bit of a late developer that’s all I’m saying.

Roy:     Meaning?

Tom:     You were never going to frighten the horses were you?

(beat)/(palms a bent coin) Heads or tails?

Roy:     (checks the coin) Heads then.

Tom:     Unless (beat) We could always spice things up a bit.

Roy:     Let’s hear it then. Or are you going to keep us in suspenders?

Tom:     (rolls his eyes) The winner takes Katia on an all expenses paid dream date-

Roy:     And the loser?

Tom:     I thought you’d want to know your role, Roy

Roy:     Funny

Tom:     The loser pays.

Roy:     I’m game.

 Tom:     I’ve heard that said.

 Roy:     Say twenty quid?

 Tom:     It’s an all expenses paid dream date, Roy, not chips and a movie and a quick fumble. Katia’s a classy woman – you’ve got to lay on the charm. 

Roy:     OK, make it twenty-five.

Tom:     You’re scared aren’t you? Scared I’m going to dent the bank of Roy.

Roy:     I’m just wondering how I’m going to cheer you up when you’re crying into your beer.

(They shake hands. Tom spins the coin and we see a close up of their faces like the Good, the Bad and the Ugly before the last shootout).


About richlakin

I write about things that interest me
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