Daydream Detective

I’m afraid my alter ego Hamstall Ridware has found his quill again and been dreaming of being a detective…..

The candy cigarettes aren’t mixing well with the Johnny Walker.

Fridays at four I get my foot to the floor

I’m hitting the highway, well the A34

A traffic cop says my brake light’s defective

But nothing’s going to stop the Daydream Detective

I’ll rent an office just above the Chinese

With a pink neon sign that flickers in the breeze

I’ll have a frosted door. My name etched in brass.

I’ll get a bottle of scotch, a lipstick-smeared glass

I’ll have cupboards and shelves filled with husbands’ lies

Stacks of threatening letters. Polaroids of white thighs

I’ll have candy cigarettes stuck to my lip

I’ll be quick on the draw with a Nerf on my hip

I’ll pick up pistols with an HB pencil

And I’ll out line corpses with a white paint stencil

I’ll be dusting prints with a sherbet fountain

Watching the bodies fall. That’s seven and counting

My voice is bland, but how I’ve always spoken

So I’m trying for mean with a hint of Hoboken

I’ll pick up the lingo, be learning the hacks

By watching reruns of Wycliffe and Bergerac

I got my first case: Find the runaway bride

It’ll pay for the Datsun that’s parked up outside

Having a classic is all part of the draw

And swapping secrets for smokes with a friendly whore

My big meeting’s at dawn. It’s just outside Gregg’s

There’s this fella who sits on the cobbles and begs

He hands me an envelope, breaks the silence

Says they’re 2 for 1 now, a special at Ryman’s

There’s photos inside of the runaway bride

She had something to hide. Though God knows she tried

To escape her intended and go for broke

She wound up in a Travelodge jut outside Stoke

Going through the bins there I found her bangle

Perfect for the gumshoe who’s working the angle

Who’s desperate the crack the case, hopes he’ll secure

That prime afternoon slot on ITV4

With those crime-fighting gardeners and monks and cooks

I’ll be screened between Loose Women and Monster Trucks

I’ll solve murders and heal marital rifts

Help to flog walk-in baths and deluxe stair-lifts

I want to quit the day job but won’t be hasty

Wednesdays it’s my turn to fetch the Danish pastry

6 thoughts on “Daydream Detective

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